Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Jokes.....................Jokes for Everyone...........

Tiger Woods

On a business trip to Indonesia, a black male executive took some time off to play golf.

He was playing particularly well when he noticed a group of locals watching him. They were obviously excited and were shouting, " Tiger Woods."

Taking this as a compliment to his golfing skills, he grinned and made an ostentatious bow in their direction.

It was at this point that the tiger came out of the woods and ate him.


Call Mama !

One of my adventures as a stay-at-home-dad involved my two-year-old daughter locking herself in the bathroom. With my five-year-old Son, Yugi, looking on. I pleaded with her to open the door, but after ten minutes of fruitless cajoling, I resigned myself to fetching the tool box.

Turning to Yugi I said - "Well I can't get her to open the door. But don't worry, Daddy knows just what to do." 

He thought for a moment, and then his face lit up. " You're going to call Mama!" he exclaimed.


Baby Sitter


A few summers ago my wife was looking out of the cottage window watching a mother duck and nine ducklings swimming on the lake. She called Shivi, our five-year-old granddaughter, to come and look.
"Grandma, how do you know it's the mother?" Shivi asked, " It could be the Babysitter, you know."


Lottery

Ek bar ek sardar ji gurudware me gaye aur waheguru ji de samne ardaas ki - Hey Waheguru ! aaj main lottery payi hai te meri request hai plz. meri lottery aaj nikalni chahidi.
Ye kahkar sardaar ji apne kaam par chal padte hai. Raaste mein uski jeb kat jati hai. Woh gusse mein vaapis Gurudware aata hai aur Waheguru ji ke saamne khada hokar kahta hai - Koi vi action lain to Pahlan gall puri tarah samajh laya karo.
----------
Dusri Sabzi

Ek aurat hanfti hui police station me aati hai aur Inspector sahab se kahti hai - Inspector sahab plz kuch kariye, mere pati kal sabzi lene sabzi mandi gaye the aur abhi tak nahi loute.
Inspector bade aaram se - Bahan ji aap dusri sabzi bana lijiye.
--------
Wet Dreams
Banta complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee.'
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, No, we've already peed."
Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So, did you do as I said?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?""As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little.'"

----------
Honest Lawyer
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
----------
Wife's Photograph
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
----------
It Was Her Turn
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
----------
Best Sermon
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole' boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."

And the Reverend said, "That was damn nice of you, Sir!"
----------
The Will
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
----------
Two Sisters
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Schwartzberg, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Schwartzberg, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Schwartzberg, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters."

No comments:

Post a Comment