Thursday, 2 October 2014

Kolkata Humour - A to Z

If you love the Bengali Bhadralok.

A-Z of a Bengali.....

A is for Awpheesh (as in Office). This is where  a Kolkakattan 

goes  & spends a day hard at work.  If he works for the 'West

Bengal Gawrment' , he arrives at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have

a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch 
at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep 
sitting down at 4 and go home at 4:30. It's a hard life!

B is for Bhision . For some reason Bengalis don't have good  bhision. 

In fact in Kolkata most people wear spectacles all  the time.

C is for Chappell (as in Greg ). Currently, this is the Bengaali word for

the Devil. At night mothers put their kids  to sleep saying, 'Na ghumaley  

Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe.' (If  you don't sleep, Chappel will come and 
take you away!!)

D is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. By an ancient

law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you

have a Debashish everywhere  - they are also  called Deb, Debu, Deba  

with variations like Debanik, Deboprotim,  Debojyoti, etc. thrown in at times.

E is for Eeesh  - a very common Bengali exclamation made

famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that

on an average a Bengali, especially Bengali women, use eeesh

10,089 times every year. 'Ei Morechhey' is a close second to Eeesh.

F is for Feeesh. are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact 

that a fish market  has strong smell, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish 

is all  right. If not he will say 'eeesh what feeesh is theesh!'

G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like

Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka, Bhombol,

Thobla, etc. While every Bengali girl will have pet names like Tuktuki, Mishti, 

H is for Harmonium.- Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take

4 Bengalis  & a Harmonium  &you have the successors to Bheatles!

I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any

ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

J is for Jhola.. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his

Jhola  - a shapeless bag where he keeps all his belongings

and he fits an amazing number of things in. Note that 'Jhol' as in  

Maachher Jhol is a  close second..

K is for Kee Kaando ! It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation

till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's

agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).

L is for Lungi - the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage

to play football and cricket wearing it not to mention the daily trip   

to  local bajaar. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition  to Mt. Everest 

M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics

would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James

Bond stuntmen as well as Formula 1 race car drivers. M is also 
for Maunkey Cap and Muphler!!

N is for Nangto. This is the Bengali word for naked.. It is the most 

interesting naked word in any language!

O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will

cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the

ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

P for Phootball - a phavourite phassion of  Kolkattan. Every Bengali 

is born an expert in this game.The two biggest clubs are Mohunbagan  

and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

Q is for Queen . This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis

or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word one can think of.. There's

also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

R is for Robi Thakur. Many years ago Rabindranath got Nobel Prize.  

This has given the right to all Bengalis no matter where  they are to frame 

acceptance speeches as if they were related to the poet and walk with  

their head held high..! Note that 'Rawshogolla' 

comes close second!

S is for Shourav . Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer

and a captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play until

he is 70 years old. Of course they will see to it that he stays in good

form by doing a little bit of 'joggo' and 'maanot'.

T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata.

Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.

U is for Aambrela. When a Bengali baby is born he is handed one.

V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are most non-violent violent people  

around. When an accident happens they will fold up their

sleeves, shout and scream and curse and abuse, "Chherey De

Bolchhi" but last time someone actually hit someone was  in 1947.

W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is underwater

and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by

surprise by this!

X is for X'mas.  It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit

up and all Bengalis agreeing that they must eat cake that day.

Y is for Yesshtaarday.. Which is always better than today for

a Bengali (see R for Robi Thakur).

Z is for Jebra, Joo, Jipper and Jylophone

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