Sunday, 31 August 2014

Santa Banta Funny Jokes................ Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho?

Banta Again

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. 

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. 

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. 

He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food. 

Next week Banta comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: This is shit you .. and Banta calmly replies: Yes, and I want toilet paper.



  

Titanic was sinking. 

An englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"? 
Santa: 2 KMs. 

Englishman jumped into sea. 
Englishman: Now, which direction? 

Santa: Downwards! 


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Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators. 

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How did santa tried to kill a bird?? 

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die. 


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Santa: I have swallowed a kay. 

Doctor: When? 

Santa: 3 months back! 

Doctor: What were you doing till now? 

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too. 


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Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It's ****. Santa: U r wrong. It's 1394. 


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Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister." 


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Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening? 

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM. 


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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? 

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl. 


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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. 

Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days. 

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out. 

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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else? .


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An Englishman and santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do? 

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do! 


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Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why? 

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor.. 


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Ultimate answer while changing the job. 

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job? 

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where. 


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Santa and Banta went for a drive. 

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not? 

Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!" 


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Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously... 

Finally, santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again. 


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Why did santa keep the door open while bathing? 

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole. 


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Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen. 

After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.. 


Fastest thing in the World

Guys in the University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job... One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.


INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

BOLO TARA RA RA HOYE..... 


Singh is King joke  


Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. 


After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!
-- Singh is King...


Banta to Doctor : Doctor Sahab! Mein apna dimag daan karna chahta hu. 
Doctor : Hoga to hum le lenge . 

Son to Dad : Papa, Mein itna bada kab hounga ki mein mummy se bina puche bahar ja saku? 
Papa : Beta abhi itna bada to mein bhi nahi hua!!! 

Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye. 
Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye. 
Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai. 
Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena parega!!! 

Ek din Santa ne apni premika ko himmat jutakar keh dala - I love you. 
Premika(Gusse se) : Jara pyar se nahi keh sakte? 
Santa : I love you Didi!!!! 

Girl : Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho? 
Boy : Ye to depend karta hai ki ladki aa rahi hai ya ja rahi hai!! 


Dur gaon me jab maa baap sote nahi the, 
to bacha kehta hai, so ja bapu, 
so ja, warna ek aur ho jayega!!! 

Girl-to-Boy - Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya, 
mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya 
Boy-to-Girl - Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi, 
bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi. 


Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata 
dekh patni ne pati se kaha - Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas 
kha raha hai, namaste karo. 
Pati - Namaste Sasur Ji 

Santa ne Banta se kaha,"Sabse bada challenge kya hai?" 
Banta replied - Answer sheet ko khaali chod do aur last me likh dena, 
paas karke dikha. 

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai. 
Bhola: Hai. 
Frog: Nahin hai. 
Bhola: Hai. 
Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well. 
Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.? 


Teacher : Santa batao `M' for kya hota hai? 
Santa : Sir, Mother! 
Teacher : Right! Aab batao W for kya hota hai? 
Santa kuch sochne lagta hai 
Teacher : Santa kya soch rahe ho? 
Santa : Sir, mein yeh soch raha tha ki Maa ulti kaise ho gayi? 


Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai? 
Santa : Teen maidam. 
Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao. 
Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta hu aur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.

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