Friday, 22 August 2014

Doctors Jokes ............ Enjoy ..................

Dentist Visit
There's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates. "

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we. "

The vet test
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

Crazy Save
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. 

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." 

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry

Learning ABCD from Doctor
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!" The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered. The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the `B'."


Awesome !!
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked on his finger.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

A Results-Oriented Man
Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe... ""Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..." His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as

he replies, "Me too

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

Bearded Bed Wetter
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

All Out of Anaesthetic
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction forthe day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hardinto the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given,and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man those roots were really deep!"

The Second Opinion
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. 

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." 

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

A Dentist's Wisdom
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. 

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. 

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. 

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" 

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. 

"No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet.

"The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

Misleading Information
This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband wait spatiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.

The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then a little later the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.

At that the husband, in a state of frenzied terror runs up to the surgeon and asks ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."

Any new parts lately?
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor."I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this allby yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That' s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

I can't sleep
"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," Dilip complained. "I've tried everything, butI just toss and turn."

"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."

That night Dilip crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered."Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep.Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"

Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.

Dilip opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up,up...everybody up!"

Medical Advances
An Israeli doctor says
'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.' 

A German doctor says
'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks. 

A Russian doctor says
'In my country, medicine is so far progressed that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' 

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says
'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains, out from Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Mediclaim Tips
A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong withtheway you have intercourse, " and charged them Rs.300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make anappointment,have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to findout?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married andwecan't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.The Oberoi charges Rs. 2500, Taj charges Rs.2000 , Le Meridian chargesRs.1500, The Leela charges Rs. 4,000.

We do it here for Rs.300, and I get that back from MediClaim

Names !!
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said,
"You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.

This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Baby's first doctor visit
*A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for thedoctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, andexamined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, askedif the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her toget dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don'thave any milk. "

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Medical Certificate
Doctor Certified Certified that Mr. /Miss ____________ _____ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness. Due to this, he will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
Dr. Impatient
Cyber Clinic

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
" How areyou grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?""Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clockthey bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. and that'sit. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a littlealarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give hima cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rollingout of bed."
rusty baby!!!
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, butI'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.She can't possibly be mine.
''Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors mayhave contributed red hair to the gene pool.
''It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be,our families on both sides had jet-black hair forgenerations.
''Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. Howoften do you have sex?
'The man seemed a bit ashamed.'I've been working very hard for the past year. Weonly made love once or twice every few months.

''Well, there you have it!' The doctor saidconfidently. 'It's rust.'

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant andthey don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time sheis going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate glandinfection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated onthe priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.'
"It's worth a try." he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After theoperation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going tobelieve this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's yourbaby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son thetruth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something totell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Doctor’s promise
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor. He was treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."

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