Thursday, 31 July 2014

One Liner Jokes ...............Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love ........

• My lecture was a complete success, but the audience was a failure

• How can you tell when an economist is lying? His lips are moving

• Peter's Principle: In every organization, each person tends to rise to the level of his incompetence

• People have one thing in common: they are all different

• Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon

• The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows

• In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, however, there is

• Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. [Albert Einstein]

• Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open

• Often it is fatal to live too long

• Doctor is a person who cures your ills by pills and kills you by his bills

• Cheat is a person for whom, when he borrows money, it's not only against his principle to pay interest, but also against his interest to pay the principle

• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer

• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep

• Illiterate? Write today for help

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• A secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach

• If at first, you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is surprised ?

• Let face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility that this could also be the *last* day of the rest of your life

• What does retired mean? Tired yesterday, tired again today

• Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned

• I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work

• Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!

• A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge!

• Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!

• If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient

• Some people are wise, and some, otherwise

• I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it

• I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late

• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

• When there's a will, I want to be in it

• Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• What if someone died in the living room?

• What do you call a male ladybug?

• Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


• If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?

• If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?

• How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

• Do vampires get AIDS?

• Do pilots take crash-courses?

• Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

• Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

• Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

• Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example

• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power

• Miser is a person who lives poor so that he can die rich

• Marriage is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's

• Diplomat tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

• Criminal is no different from the rest... except that he got caught

• Why is that Boss is always early when you are late and late when you are early

• How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

• Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed

• WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you

• Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying

• The best way to avoid a car accident is to travel by bus

• We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history

• There is no right way to do a wrong thing

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat ?

• Never try to drown your troubles... especially if she can swim

• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons ?

• Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights !

• Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't

• Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up

• Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job

• Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends

• Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking

• Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time

• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism

• Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent

• Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out

• Adventure is a romantic word for trouble

• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again

• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue

• Dieting is wishful shrinking

• It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• Why are apartments so close together?

• No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

• Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce

• Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take any chances

• As I said before, I never repeat myself

• I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide

• My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud

• Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind everyunsuccessful man, there are two

• There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you

• Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture

• An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt

• Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children

• We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me

• I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it

• A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth

• I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls

• But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not

• It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look

• Prayer- Don't give God instructions - just report for duty

• Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don't do it

• They lived happily until they got married

• If we learn from our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education

• just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today

• Always be sincere ……even when you don’t mean it

• The only way to avoid mistakes is to gain by experience. The only way to gain experience …is to make a mistake

• This is where napolean tore his boneapart

• Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it

• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it

• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry

• Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

• Despite the cost of living, have you ever noticed how it remains so popular?

• Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em but i'd hate to own one

• In your life you will love someone so much you could eat them, then you will get married and wish you had

• I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses

• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public

• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

• If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century

• If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time

• A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done

• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

• If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why are'nt people from Holland called Holes?

• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups

• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

• A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat

• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them

• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film

• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it

• A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward

• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one

• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds

• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment

• Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute?

• A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year

• Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months

• A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized

• If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark

• Weather forecast for tonight: dark

• The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy

• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else

• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it

• Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station

• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive

• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home

• My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance

• Politicians and diapers should be changed often, for the same reason!

• The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy

• When dog food is new and better tasting, who tests it ?

• Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

• A lot of good could be accomplished in this world if nobody cared who got the credit.

• Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.

• If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

• A kiss that is never tasted, is forever and ever wasted.

• A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

• A fart is nothing more than a lost cough.

• The most constant thing in the world, is change.

• You need Money to call someone Honey.

• The best exercise: reach down and pull somebody up.

• While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.

• Experience: what you get when you don't get what you want.

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

• Does a liar lies when he says he says he is telling a lie?

• Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.

• Blaming your faults on your nature does not change the nature of your faults.

• Have an aim in life - then don't forget to pull the trigger.

• Friendship is what binds the world together in peace, may we all become friends.

• Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.

• Guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

• No-one loves hard work more than the one who pays for it.

• Guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

• Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.

• Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

• There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

• You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.

• Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

• I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.

• If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

• Love is a complicated machine... sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

• The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.

• We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our worst enemies.

• Between tomorrow's dream and yesterday's regret is today's opportunity.

• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

• When a man falls down his temper generally gets up before he does.

• Procrastination has its good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

• Faith is something like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light.

• The hardest thing in life is to do nothing - 'cause you never know when your finished.

• A good man is hard to find and a hard man is good to find.

• Procrastination has its good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

• Fault finding is like window washing. All the dirt seems to be on the other side.

• Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

• My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.

• Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!

• One woman's hobby may be another woman's hubby.

• Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!

• Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

• My insomnia is so bad, I can't even sleep on the job.

• Marriage changes passion...suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

• The ideal husband is the one who understands what his wife did not say.

• It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, but it is the little differences that make them interesting.

• A man in a relationship trades intimacy to get sex. A woman in a relationship trades sex to get intimacy.

• Falling in love is when she falls asleep in your arms and wakes up in your dreams!

• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

• If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.

• Children act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

• Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

• The first half of our lives is spent ignoring our parents' advice and the second half in trying to keep our children from ignoring ours.

• I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

I don't like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them?

• I wonder why a gynecologist leaves the room when women get undressed?

• Regular naps prevent old age...especially if you take them while driving.

• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

• An Abstainer is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

• He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you.

• Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.

• Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

• Don't criticize your wife... if she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

• There are those who make things happen. There are those who watch things happen. And there are those who wonder what happened?

• When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.

• My father was a workaholic. Everytime someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

• Women admire a man because he is strong , but they love him for his weaknesses.

• What wish would stars make when they saw falling people?

• Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!

• Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to.

• Executive ability is a talent for deciding something quickly and getting someone else to do it.

• Marriage is a mutual relationship as long as both parties know when to be mute.

• I don't like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them?

• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

• A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

• People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

• Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.

• All I want is less to do, more time to do it and higher pay for not getting it done.

• I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

• If obstacles get in your way, do as the wind does... whistle and go around them.

• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

• There's a big difference between good sound reasons and reasons that sound good.

• I've been in debt so long; I've become a collector's item.

• If love is blind, how will she find me?

• He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

• If all else fails -- lower your standards.

• Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia? It's com.dyslexia.www.

• The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.

• People are not afraid of how bad you are, they are afraid of how good you are.

• True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.

• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

• Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.

• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

• The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

• Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

• You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it.

• Love is when you don't want to go to sleep because reality is better than a dream.

• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will never die.

• Luck always seems to be against the person who depends on it. forever.

• Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

• The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

• There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark and others who just leave a stain.

• Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.

• The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

• Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

• Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

• If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

• The right angle from which to approach any problem is the TRY-angle.

• Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.

• There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow your advice.

• I've never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

• You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along.

• What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.

• I'm not as dumb as you look, which, to be honest, would be impossible.

• Let us be thankful for the fools, but for them the rest of us could not succeed.

• May your trouble be like the old man's teeth... few and far between.

• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

• The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.

• Make crime pay, become a lawyer

• When he cancels a date it is bcoz he has to, when she cancels a date it is bcoz she has two.

• Why is 'one' the loneliest number?

• Life without beers would be unbearable.

• Life is too confusing for novices. Let the experts take care of it.

• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

• Any student changing the course of history is probably writing an exam.

• We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

• Materialism is buying things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people who don't matter.

• The best way to overcome temptation is to avoid the tempting situation.

• Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject.

• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

• Be the change that you want to see in the world.

• It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

• When it rains try and look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.

• A dirty book is rarely dusty.

• Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.

• There is an exception to every rule - and most people think they are it.

• Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.

• Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.

• We all get heavier as we get older because there is a lot more information in our heads.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

• There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

• At this moment I have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.

• People who are often in a hurry imagine they are energetic, when in most cases they are simply inefficient.

• Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls..t before.

• Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

• A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.

• Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

• Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

Imagination is something that sits up with a wife when her husband comes home late.

• True love doesn’t have a happy ending. True love doesn’t have an ending!

• A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it.

• Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life.

• Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

• A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to join you in your troubles.

• Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

• I'm proud to pay taxes; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.

• No man ever injured his eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

• Prevent hangovers -- stay drunk.

• It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you place the blame.

• I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

• Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

• I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure!

• The Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.

• Think "honk" if you're a telepath.

• I'm apathetic but I don't care.

• Mistakes? I don't make misakes!

• The worst thing about censorship is .

• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• Biology grows on you!

• Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.

• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand

• If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

• What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

• How come wrong numbers are never busy?

• I am not going to sit here and stand for those kind of insults.

• There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who get binary and those who don't.

• You're middle-aged if the girls you whistle at think you're calling your dog.

• We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.

• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

• The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing.

• Business is a lot like a game of tennis - those who serve well usually end up winning.

• I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

• People often search for the city of happiness, not realizing it can only be found in the state of mind.

• A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

• Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

• Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

• Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

• Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. . . . That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.

• Six munfs ago I cudn’t even spel executiv. Now I am butter.

• Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist.

• I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now.

• Money is like manure: It's not worth anything unless you spread it around.

• I'd rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I'm not.

• A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an enlargement of the heart.

• He was so mean. It hurts him if he has to go for a pee because he has to give something away for nothing.

• Trust is like virginity. You lose it once and that's it.

• A pessimist is a person who mourns the future.

• What you say is always more important than how you say it, except when you're swearing.

• The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At the time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

• Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.

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