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Sunday, 27 July 2014

How to kill a Lion !!! Collection of fine jokes .........

How To Kill A Lion!

Shahrukh khan method:
Release a film like 'ASHOKA".and make the lion to watch the movie.

Govinda method:
Continously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Rahul dravid method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.

Menaka gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him.

Kamal Method:
Go near the lion and cry like anything.... Lion will die of sorrow !

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commisioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method :
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmering something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that it’s a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it. It will confess that it’s a lion.

Rajnikanth Method:
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Karan Johar Method (director): 
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok... read it after 15 yrs, then also u won’t! 

Yash Chopra method (director): 
Take the lion to Australia or US... and kill it in a good scenic location. 

George Bush method: 
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him! Or tell that the lion is enriching uranium and has weapons of mass destruction, when China and Russia vetos it in the Security Council convince some NATO buddies and bomb it. 
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How to Kill a Lion:

Cognizant Method:

hire a lion...   ask him to stay for  late nights but
give him no work to do.
give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to
sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more.......  and more .......

TCS method:

hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government
salary
lion dies of hunger and frustration

Kanbay Method:

Hire a Lion; give him a salary of a 2 Lions...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatically die

Infy method:

hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat ..
he will die eventually of frustration...

IBM's method:

hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ...
he dies of unemployment...

Syntel Method:-

Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once
he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches
onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT method:
hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him
that if he doesn't score > 60% he will lose the job.
lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex method:

hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send
him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god
forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he
will get band movement (promotion)
holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

hire a lion ..
tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his
allowance...
lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might become a
goat....

Polaris Method :

hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ...
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to
8:30 AM )
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

Patni method:

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....

Accenture Method:
Hire a lion....
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat Idli,Dosa and Vada
No water..
No hindi speaking ppl... No good food
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......

Last But not the least;

Wipro Method:
Hire a Lion,
Give him a mail Id.
He will die receiving stupid mails all day........!!!!
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How to kill a lion...banking style
HSBC Method :

Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than his
expectation, Never say with him to do any work upto six months, after six
months tell him that now you have to fullfil ur yearly target within six
months otherwise u will be kickout from jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that
if he loose this lazy animals jungle where he will go.

ICICI method:

Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him lower salary than his
politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss,
collegues,designation, department, salary, location every 6 months. Remove
all lions above 40 from the organisation by giving them VRS. If he kills 2
goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there
are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and
restructuring.

HDFC method:

Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat . Give him lots of ESOPs and
grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation. Citibank method:

Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score
90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat.
Lion dies of the strain.
ABN AMRO method:

Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature
delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a
townhall and if not delivered humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies of
excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in Terminal.
StanChart method:

Hire a lion, motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load him
with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals in the
jungle snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion......

Kotak method :

Hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume.
Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he survives
in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.

RBI Method:

Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend
the circular atleast three times a day. Send him on inspection to the
jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting licence of any
fox,wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page
circular. Lion dies of boredom.

SBI Method:

Recruits a lion, gives him the power of mouse. Lion dies of overexpectation
and no results.............

Idbi method:

Recruits a lion, Give him posting among cats.People call him manager but
he is actually a clerk.Expect to work as allrounder.Lion dies in frustation
or escape to another jungle.

Deutsche Bank Method

Hire a Lion. Tell him that you need to work most of the day & half the night.
Also tell him that all the Lions in all the jungles are doing it & he shouldnt mind doing it.
Tell him that the work he does would make him king, even though he would be paid like a pauper.
Change the look of the jungle once in  5 years & tell him there's a new challenge for him, although the animals & trees
in the jungle remain the same.(beats me......whats the challenge)
Give the Lion some irrationaly motivational talks & tell him to wait till the grass turns blue in the jungle.

Lion dies waiting.

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