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Thursday, 3 July 2014

Amitabh Bachchan jokes ............



This is when Amitabh Bachhan got fit and fine after his long illness..... one fine morning he told his driver vijay "Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge..".
Driver, "Par saab aapki tabyat?.."

Amitabh "Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he vijay, I am fit and fine...kya disco karke dikhau, dialogue, stunt karkee dikhau.......Hain"

Ok then he starts driving the car very fast.... breaks first red signal.........

breaks second red signal..........

breaks third red signal...........

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Then a traffic hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road..

Tells the driver to come out... "Chalo saheb license dikhao, PUC, gaadi ke kagjaaat...baher nikaalo"

Sees Amitabh "Arre Amitabh Bachhan ?!!!" he is very suprised to see him....

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Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior inspectors ....

"Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye naake par..."

Sir "KYun kya hua??"

Havaldar: "Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda hai abhi mein us gaadi ko side me rakha hai"

Sir: "To phir?"

Hawaldar: "Sir, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi he sir .... mein uska challan nahi phaad sakta aap khud yaha aiye .."

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Sir "KON MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??"

HAWALDAR : "WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR PAR USNE AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HAI ...."
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With Santa singh…

The Story So Far…

Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for “50-50″ and “Phone a Friend”.

Santa Singh is playing the 13 th Question now which is for 25 Lacs. Let’s see what happens next… :)

Santa and Amitab

Amitabh Bachchan : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par…

Santa Singh gets Tense…


Amitabh Bachchan : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan? Your options are…

Screen with question and names

Amitabh Bachchan : Toh Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He's quite sure that Santa will opt for option A]

But Santa is surprisingly still confused…

Santa thinking

Amitabh Bachchan : Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai… 50-50 and phone a friend. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai.

Santa Singh : I think it is A, but I’m not sure.

Amitabh Bachchan : Not sure, Hmmm… Aap kya karna chahenge?

Santa Singh : I would like to use 50-50…

Amitabh Bachchan : Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye…

Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options:

Screen with question and names

Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline…

Santa Singh : I would like to use my last life line too – Phone A Friend…

Amitabh Bachchan : Aap kisse baat karna chahenge??

Santa Singh : Main aapki Misej [Mrs.] Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga…

Amitabh Bachchan Faints !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan [Thanks to AirTel :) ]…

Santa Singh : “Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?”

receiving reply from JAYA Santa faints..

Fainted

GUESS WHY????????? ??

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Jaya Bachchan ask’s him ” What are the options?”
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Joke 1) Santa Banega Karodpati - Complete version

We have our famous friend Santa Singh qualifying for the hot seat. 
(He pressed the buttons by accident and managed to qualify) 
AB : OK Santa I congratulate you for this opportunity here with us. 
Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fateh. 
Chak denge phatte aj. Tusi start karo ji.

AB: To aap apne pitaji ke saath aaye hai, kya naam hai aapke pitaji ka?"
Santa: "Hai Jee?"
AB: "Kya naam hai aapke pitaji kaa?"
Santa: "Are sir jee, kam se kam char options to do..."
AB: "ufff.., ok.., leave it. Lets proceed with the game"

AB : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000 
Rs. - 'Which state has the largest sikh population ?' and your options are 
A. Punjab 
B. Punjab 
C. Punjab 
D. Punjab 
Santa : Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question

AB : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time 
Santa (giggles) : Sir ji tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like to use my lifeline.

AB : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use. 
Santa : Audience poll

AB : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your time starts now. 
After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board. 
A. 25% 
B. 25% 
C. 25% 
D. 25%

AB : Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your disgust here. 
Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya Sirji aapki audience ne. I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.

AB : Very good ! 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. OK 
computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen. 
Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab 
Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein 
chodoonga nahi aaj isko. 
Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.

AB : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have record of using all the lifelines in the very first question. 
This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen ge aap. 
Santa : My one and only one... mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.

AB : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. 
Phone rings. Banta picks it ' Hulloooooo, kon hai oye 
adi raati,???'

AB : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke Kaun Banega Crorepati se. 
Banta : ahhhooooooo, Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein #!@#$%&#@##%#& kar deta, kher, Ki hal chal he sar ji.

AB : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath 
aur................. 
Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gaya hoga, khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.

AB : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............. chaliye mein aapko special case karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab. 
Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ?? 
Banta : oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap laye ga.

AB : Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai. 
Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai 
..................... (he tells him the question). 
Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai. 
Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe . Iska answer Punjab hai lallu. 
Santa : oye par ......... (and the clock stops).

AB : Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj. 
Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai. 
And this was the last episode of KBC as most of the audience died laughing...



Joke 2) Amrish Puri At KBC

Amrish Puri : Sahi jawab ! 

Mogambo khush hua !



Joke 3) Shatrughan Sinha At KBC

Shatrughan Sinha : Khamosh ! 

Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera cheque phaad ke phek doonga.



Joke 4) Laalu Prasad Yadav and Family At KBC

One day Laloo appeared on KBC(Kaun Banega Crorepathy) with him he brought his entire family.
First question : One One?
Laloo thinking : uses all lifelines and answers three
Amitji : Sorry Laloo wrong jawaab
groans from laloo`s family : give him one more chance give him one more chance
Amitji feeling sorry for distraught laloo, decides to give him another go
so he asks Laloo : three two?
Lalloo answers :six
Amitji cannot believe it, but because Laloo`s family begs for him to give Laloo another chance, he does
Amitji : Laloo last chance, three three?
Lalloo sweating answers six
Amitji is silent, suddenly there is a roar from laloo`s family: give him one more chance, give him one more chance...



Joke 5) Amitabh Bachchan Ki ABCL Ko Lock Kiya Jaye

Amitabh is questioning a guy on KBC. 
He asks him 'Meri company ka naam kya hain?' 
Options : TISCO, Wipro, ABCL, Reliance.
The guys says 'ABCL'
Amitabh asks 'Sure, confident?' 
The guys says ' yes confident'
Amitabh says 'Computerji ABCL ko tala laga do' 
The computer replies 'Abe gadhe ABCL ko 2 saal se tala laga hua hai !'



Joke 6) 5 Sawaal aur 10,000 Jeeto

Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla sawaal:
Who is India's Prime Minister? A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D: Amrish Puri?
Santa Singh: Vajpayee.
Amitabh: Sure?
Santa Singh: Yes, sure.
Amitabh: Confident?
Santa Singh: Yes
Amitabh: Absolutely sure?
Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.
Amitabh: Lock kar dein?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!
Santa Singh: Oye! ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus hazaar nikaal!



Joke 7) Phone a Friend

Santa Singh after reaching 13th question: 

Amitabh: apka 13th question 25 lakh yeh raha apke samne... 
Contestant Santa Singh is tensed. 
Amitabh: Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan Computer Screen: 
A. Amitabh Bachchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav 
C. Mohd. Azhar D. General Perverz Musharaff. 
Amitabh: Apka kya jawab hai? (He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A) 
But Santa is still confused. 
Amitabh: Apke pas do life line hai... (50:50 and phone a friend) 
Santa: I think it is A but am not sure. 
Amitabh: Not sure... Hmmm Ap kya karna chahenge? 
Santa: I would like to use 50:50? 
Amitabh: Ok computer, 2 galat javabo ko mita de... 
Computer: 
B. Laloo Prasad Yadav. 
C. Moh. Azhar. 
Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made this mistake but as is said in bollywood the show must go on. Now Santa is confused. 
Santa: I would like to use the last lifeline phone a friend... 
Amitabh: Ap kisko phone karna chahenge? 
Santa: Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...


Joke 8) Nana Patekar as anchor of KBC

Nana Patekar : Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.



Joke 9) 15th Question will make you...

Amithab: If You tell the correct answer of 15th question; You will become a Crorepati.
Santa: Oh! Then You ask the 15th question directly now.



Joke 10) Mithun as anchor of KBC

Mithun Chakraborty : Eaeeeeeh ! Tu audience poll karega ? 
Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai ? Time nahin hai.



Joke 11) Ashok Kumar as anchor of KBC

Ashok Kumar : To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp ), yahan se Rs. 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ).

Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).



Joke 12) Keshto Mukherji as anchor of KBC

Kesto Mukherji : Hee-heek. Heek-yeaaaiiiiiik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai. Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye ? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.



Joke 13) Gabbar Singh as anchor of KBC

Amjad Khan : Kitne options the ?

Chaar ?? Soover ke bachchon ! 

Chaar chaar options ! 

Bahut na-insaafi hai !

Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin !

50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye.

Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?



Joke 14) Armaan

Amitabh Bachchan - Aap kisko lekar ghumne jaana pasand karenge, crore rupiya jeetne ke baad? 

Contestant - Aishwarya Rai Ko. 

A.B - Arre bhai hamara bhi yeh armaan hai.

Contestant - Koi baat nahin, main Jaya ji se kaam chala loonga.



Joke 15) Drunkard

Ramesh: A drunkard won 25 lakhs in Crorepati (KBC)
Suresh: So, We call him, 'Quarter-pati'



Joke 16) Dharmendra as anchor of KBC

Dharmendra : Galat jawab ! 

Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.
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