Saturday, 7 June 2014

Salary Jokes.................. Enjoy ..............

Enjoy my collection of salary jokes

Salary Increase
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Efficient Secretary
When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: "Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children."

"Excuse me," the efficient woman replied, "I thought we got paid for what we produce here, not for what we produce at home in our own time."

Filling the Form
One day an idiot went for an interview. The interviewer gave him an application form and asked him to fill it out. He started printing his First Name, Last Name, Street Address etc.

When he encountered the question Salary Expected, he was thinking for very long time, before he finally wrote “YES”.

Poultry Amount
The young teacher was complaining to her friends about how badly she was being paid. "We get a really poultry amount each month," she said. "You mean 'paltry'," corrected one of her friends. "No. I don't. I mean 'poultry'," replied the teacher. "What I earn is chicken feed."

I Got Married
One employee told his boss, “Sir, Increase my salary, I got married recently.”

The boss replied, “The Company cannot compensate for the accidents happened outside of the company.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious Firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company And the Mortgage Company! 
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been 
promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the 
Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his 
HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR 
Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to 
sit down saying; 

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. 
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain. 

Manager:- How many days are there in a year? 
Man:- 365 days and some times 366 

Manager:- how many hours make up a day? 
Man:- 24 hours 

Manager:- How long do you work in a day? 
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day. 
Manager:- So , what fraction of the day do you work in hours? 
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third) 

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days? 
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days) 

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? 
Man:- No sir 

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends? 
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days 

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how 
many days do you now have? 
Man:- 18 days. 

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove 
that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? 
Man:- 4 days 

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager:- So how many days are left? 
Man:- 2 days sir! 

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager:- So how many days are left? 
Man:- 1 day sir! 

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager:- So how many days are left? 
Man:- None sir! 

Manager:- So, what are you claiming? 
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that 
I was stealing Company money all these days. 

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following 
I do physical labor 
I work at great depths 
I plunge head first into everything I do 
I do not get weekends off or public holidays 
I work in a damp environment 
I don't get paid overtime 
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation 
I work in high temperatures 
My work exposes me to contagious diseases 

Dear Penis, 

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have 
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following 
You do not work 8 hours straight 
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period 
You do not always follow the orders of the management team 
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other 
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated 
in order to start working 
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift 
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing 
the correct protective clothing 
You'll retire well before reaching 65 
You're unable to work double shifts 
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed 
the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen 
constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious 
looking bags. 

The Management 

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I pay your salary!


What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.

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