Thursday, 8 May 2014

Bihari jokes ............. My largest collection ...........

All People from Bihar, Please Don’t get hurt, Its just for FUN


1) A Bihari after coming back from a three hour long class says:
Saala pura body headache maar raha hai

2) A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets,Do tho
ticket dena, the person at the window tells him that there is a house
full, so this Bihari says koi baat nahin do house full de do.

3) A Bihari went to New Delhi for the first time in his life. He went
there during the time of Asiad and was zapped to see all these new
stadiums, newly constructed roads, flyovers etc etc. The poor fellow
hadn’t seen all this ever before. So when he came back to Aligarh
people asked him as to how did he like Delhi, he was too excited and
said : yaar delhi to buhat top ka laga, pura delhi chamak chamak raha
tha, sab kuch jagmaga raha tha, sab shine maar raha tha lekin yaar ek
cheez hum understand nahin kar paye, yeh itta barka barka speed
breaker kahe ko bana diya hai (he couldn’t figure out what is a
flyover).

4) A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked for one Wills: Bhai ek
Will dena, so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is
no brand by the name of Will, it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted
and said I want one Will, so the person told him unless you say it
correctly i.e Wills I won’t sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad
and said “Hum ek hi to maang rahen hain pura packet to nahin maang
rahen hain”.

5) This incident happened when we were in college. Two Biharis
talking to each other, “Aaj Mother teresa aa rahen hai Kennedy
Auditorium mein saam ko aap chalenge na , hum aap ko 5.30 p.m sharp
pe lene aienge, so this fellow didn’t know who is Mother Teresa and
replied back,” nahin bhai aap hi chale jaiye hum Englis film nahin
dekhte hain.

6) There was this Bihari who was travelling with two tickets, so when
the T.T.E asked for the ticket, this fellow gave both the tickets, and
so the T.T.E asked him the reason of buying two tickes , this fellow
answered well what will happen if in case I lose one of them, so the
T.T.E said what if you lose both of them, so this guy said then why

do I have a monthly pass.
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Bihari Essay "Indian Cow" (PLS GO THROUGH THIS!!)


You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate somehow passed the exam, and is now is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]
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Bihari Babu- Aare o doctor..!
kaise nasbandi kiye ho hamari?
Biwi firse maa banne wali hai..!
Dr.- Burbaak hum nasbandi tohar kiye hai,

Poore bihar ki nahi
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A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives and he gets in.

The bus was fully loaded with Sardarjis. One Sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he’s in big trouble because he knows only Sardar jokes!

Bus stop

After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to ‘Sardars’ in his joke with ‘Biharis’. He starts the jokes with,

There was once a Bihari and suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts,

Kyon be! Sab sardar mar gaye hai kya?
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Bihar school teacher's killer English:
1. Pick up the paper n fall in the dust-bin!
2. Both of you three, stand together separately!
3. Will u hang that calendar or I'll "HANG MYSELF!"
4. Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father!
5. Why r u luking at the monkey outside when Im in the class...?
6. I have 2 daughters: both r girls.
7. Stand in the midle of the corner!
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A bhaiyyaji applied for an engineering position at an office in Uttar Pradesh. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to the bhaiyyaji and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy."
Bhaiyyaji: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Uttar Pradesh I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."
Bhaiyyaji: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer. And you wrote 'Neither do I'!"
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Subject: A class in Bihar College This is a true incident which happened in a college: A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he doesn't know how to put it in English. He went near the guy. Shouted "follow me" .The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted "Don't follow me" and went inside the class........
Bihari Professor.
Inside the Class:
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves -take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor.
You, meet me behind the class.
Both of you three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....

About his family :
I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...
At the ground :
All of you, stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
To a boy, angrily :
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?
Giving a punishment :
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and under-stand the tree...
You three of you, stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO....


A Bihari teacher had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school...
" Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"
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A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the school assembly on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech :
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the stationmaster because he was responsible for getting birth of my son. We got independent because of great leadersz linke Gundhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth rate and we shall halve it. Today we all have our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt, Dim Butter, Lipton etc. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you off here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A., M.A.M.A and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or lecherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, classroom is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one-day you all will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in papers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: - Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can shine. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher. I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God!.
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Bihar Engineering College Entrance Exam

Instructions
1) Read each question carefully
2) Answer all questions.
3) Time Limit 3 weeks.
4) Begin immediately.

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of Bill Clinton.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY.
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic.
5. Metric conversion: how many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Give the spellings of Bush, Carter and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Earth (b) Moon (c) Sun (d) Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) Yes (b) No
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the American National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three-storey building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most Florida oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
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Am proud to be a BIHARI

Humare yahan koi tension nahi leta hai..

We suggest him ” LOAD mat le”..

Hum log jaan se nahi maarte hai..

Maar ke MUAA dete hai..

We don’t like surprise

Kahe ki ALBALA jaate hai..

We do not go for shopping.

Hum log samaan KINANE jaate hai..

Humare yahaan uncivilized logo ko

Hum CHUHAAD bulate hai..

Idiot and Dumbass are too mainstream
Hum log to BHAKLOL bol kar kaam chalate hain..

We prefer Borolin over Dettol
Kahe ki dettol lagane par PARPARANE lagta hai..

Tension me humlog HADAS jate hain..

Hamare yahan shirt nahi
BUSART hota hai..

Hamare liye awesome aur epic kuch nahi hota
Sab GARDA hota ha..

Hamare yahan faltu ka ‘Show Off’ ko humlog
Sukkhal Futani bolte hai.

Humare yahan baccha nahi
BUTRU hota hai

Most common quote written on back of Tractors,trucks in BIhar is..
“Latakla ta gella beta

Hamare liye na jyada na kam
Sab TANNI MANNI hota hai..

Humare liye train kabhi chalti nahi hai,
hamesha khul jaati hai..

Hamara kabhi bad day nahi hota hai
Humlog ka bas JATRA kharab hota hai..

Lahariya Cut is our favorite Bike stunt

Hum log road du side nahi
CHARO PATTI dekh kar paar karte hai..

Hamare yahan Kapda ko dhoya nahi jata
Usko PHEECHA jata hain..

Humlog gala nahi dabate hai
NERATTI cheep dete hai

Humare yahan Kutta bhagata nahi hai.

RAGED deta hai..

We don’t believe in competition
Lekin humre aage koi nae SAKEGA..

Humlog irritate nhi hote, Hume “kheej barrta hai”..

hume macchar kat ta nahi hai “BHAMBHOR” leta hai

Humlog Taakat nahi, BARIYARI dikhate hai

Hum log irritate nahi hote hain
Hum log ko “ANNAS” Lagta hai…
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DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

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NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.


For  instruktions, see bottom applikason.

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1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey  (_) Misra (_) Dot no hab

(Check karet box)

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2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no hab

(Check karet box)

*************


3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty  (_) Dot no hab

(Check karet box)

*************


4. Sex: ____ (Laloo) _____ (Rabri)

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5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

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6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)

Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

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7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

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8. read #7 agan & anser here: ___

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9. Mather name: _______________________

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10. Phather Name: ____________________ (dont leave blank)

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11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 .............. (Circle highest grade completed)

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12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

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14. Ice seight:


(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6


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15.Your thumb imparesson :



(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)


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PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS


Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not hab right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.


NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAB BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNAT DERIVE.


WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

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