Sunday, 30 March 2014

ABCD............American Born Confused Desi............& Top Ten Ways To Recognize an NRI

How to become a Twinkie / ABCD (American Born Confused Desi):

1. Americanize your name. Names like Raja become Roger and names like Wei Tong becomes Jason.
2. Unlearn / Do Not learn your native language.
3. Listen to white people music. Also, any sort of techno remix of a song in your own native tongue is outlawed.
4. Go to parties that you will be known as “That Asian Guy” or “That Indian Guy.” No reason to be at a party with more than one of you.
5. Shop where White people shop. That means Abercrombie and Hollister, don’t half ass it and go to Old Navy.
6. Talk in catch phrases and famous lines from movies, as long as they’re funny. Its not like anyone cares what you think anyway.
7. Learn more about American History than you could ever know about your own. Your cultural history is just that…. history.
8. Date a white man or woman. Remember you have to act like them to become them. That includes dating.
9. Under no circumstances can you watch Bollywood or Kung Fu films.
10. Do not associate yourself with any Fobs. As far as you know, they’re just weird.
11. Never ever be caught saying, “Where the curry at?” or “Dim Sum, I’ll have me sum of that.”
12. Never ever visit the home country. As far as you know, it smells. Do you want to come back smelling too?
13. Watch a lot of porn. You should acquire a taste for white people and porn helps. Keep telling yourself “There is no BOA” or “Aishwarya Rai does not exist.”
14. Exception to the rule: Your parents are going to force you into a career. Probably a stereotypical one for an Asian or Indian. Live with it.
15. Do not join ethnic frats or clubs. They only promote your culture.
16. Bangra, Yoga and Wushu are ethnic foods in your mind. Not dancing and martial arts.
17. Never ask your parents the names of the food you’re eating but be the master of ordering take out.
18. For the girls: Use “like” at least sevens times per sentence. IE, “Like, let’s go, like to like the movies like, like like like.”
19. Also for the girls: Pin up the pictures of the Abercrombie guys everywhere. They are the only acceptable standard for what is hot.
20. Another for girls: Highlights, belly button rings and glitter. Everyone else is doing it. No natural beauty is allowed!
My name is Raja. I’m the one who wrote this whole ordeal. Why? Cause I’m an ABCD and proud of my Indian heritage. I go to Stony Brook where EVERYONE is Asian or Indian. This is a reflection of my friends and me. I think everyone should just have a happy medium between being American and their own culture. This is meant for everyone to laugh at.

Top Ten Ways To Recognize an NRI:
(May not apply towards NRIs returning from Gulf)

10. One who requests the autorickshaw driver to drive slowly and clutches the seat-cushion nervously.
9. One who just bought a case of Bisleri mineral water.
8. One who gets upset if the train is only six hours behind schedule.
7. One who is nervously gazing at the Green channel at the Customs clearance of airport.
6. One who prefers eating fruits to Poori at the train stations.
5. Basically, any man who is changing a baby's diaper.
4. One who does not wait, for the coolie at the train station, and hauls his/her own 30" suitcase.
3. One who feels embarassed to run after the railway conductor, for reservation.
2. One who says, "say cheese" when taking a picture.
1. One who has gained more FREQUENT FLYER mileage from trips to the toilet.

Top Pick-Up Lines:

"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks?"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter continue her studies or get her married : " Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams : " Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations "
" Don't talk like that in front of my back "
""Dont stand in front of my back"
" Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying . No shock. "
" Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A. "
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?

Pliss, close the fan!

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