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Sunday, 4 August 2013

Jokes...................I drove my secretary home...................... 84613

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake... MONDAY: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.


TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishant's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.


WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishant has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.


THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishant, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit! 
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Adam, a Jewish rabbi was good friends with Daniel, a Catholic priest. They spent many a afternoon in the park, watching the ducks play in the pond. On one such outing, Daniel was eating a ham sandwich.

"You know," he said to his Jewish friend, "there's nothing as tasty as a ham sandwich. I know you're not allowed to eat ham, but why are you denying yourself this delicious treat. When will you free your mind and try it?"

Adam, the rabbi simply replied, "At your engagement."

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 It was bedtime for Little Ted and he insisted on taking his bicycle to bed with him.

His mother, a little surprised by the strange request, asked him why he wanted to do that.

Ted replied, "Mom, I don't want to walk in my sleep!"

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Sardar Santa Singh was studying hard since the last 3 days.

His friend Banta Singh dropped in and asked him,"What are you studying for?"

Santa Singh replied, "I have a urine test tomorrow." 

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 James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'

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Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

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 One evening after office, I drove my secretary home since her car would not start. I decided not to bother my wife, Jane, so did not mention it to her.

Later that night, I was driving out with Jane to eat when the I noticed a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract my wife, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of my window.

We arrived at the restaurant a short time later, and were about to get out of the car when Jane asked, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'

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 Bubba applied for a job and had to answer the following in the application form:
"List your high school and when you attended."

Bubba promptly replied : Central High, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

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My brother, John, and his wife, Rebecca, had just finished tucking their children into bed when they heard crying sounds coming from the kids' room. They rushed into the room and found little Suzie crying hysterically.

She had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and believed she was going to die. No amount of convincing would console her. Trying to calm her, John took out a 5p coin that he had in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Suzie's ear. Suzie was delighted beyond words and in a flash, snatched the coin from her father's hand, swallowed it and insisted cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

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 Albert: "My doctor advised me to stop playing golf".
Ron: "Why is that? Did he look at your elbows?"

Albert: "No, just my scoreboard."

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Authorities in Europe made an announcement - It was agreed that English be adopted as the preferred language for European communications, as opposed to German, which was the other choice.

There were fierce negotiations, in which The Queen's Govt admitted that English spelling needed improvement, and accepted a three-year phased plan called EurEnglish (Eurin for short). The details follow:

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c" ' Sertainly, sivil servants will be happy to reseive this news. Also, the hard "C" will be replased with "k", klearing up konfusion, and typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph " will be replased by "f" This will make words like 'fotograf' a lot shorter.

Very soon, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible, Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in th languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

After that by the end of the second year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th " by "z", and "w" wiz "v".

During ze third year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords Containing "ou". and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl Zer vil be no mor trubls or diftkultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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Sexy Sonam Kapoor...... 

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