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Saturday, 20 July 2013

jokes.................I'll give you 100 camels for her..............77113

Notes For The Milkman(back in the good old days!)
These are actual notes left for the Milkman
"Dear Milkman,
I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please don't leave any more milk.
All they do is drink it."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before,
but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it
around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterday's note.
I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way 'round."
"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom
window and wake me because
I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed
last night's SOPRANOS.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake.
Do you do it before you
deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"
"Please send me a form for cheap milk,
for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
"Milk is needed for the baby.
Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays
and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge,
get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on
kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today,
I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk."
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice."

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When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

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Are you Lonely?
Don't like working on your own?
Hate making decisions?

Then call a MEETING!!

You can:-

SEE people,
DRAW flowcharts,
FEEL important,
IMPRESS your colleagues
(and all on company time)

MEETINGS....
The practical alternative to work!

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 As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
'America,' the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'

'Yes, I am.' said the wife. He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'

'Yes,' she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....

'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'

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Corporate language
 

'A challenging market' - a difficult 
market.

'A difficult market' - totally bl*ody 
impossible.

'We see an up-turn later in the year' -
 it 
can't get any worse.

'We are working on improving our
 performance' - we've sacked the whole
 team.

'Left the company unexpectedly' - 
topped himself.

'Left to develop his career elsewhere' - 
we fired him.

'A well constructed and extremely 
versatile product' - no one understands
 it.

'Recent down-sizing of the sales force' -
 the buggers keep leaving.

'Doesn't suffer fools gladly' - complete 
b*stard to work for.

'He has an active social life' - alcoholic

'A spectacular producer during the time
 he was with us' - now doing time at
 Wandsworth.

'Highly creative, with an endless supply
 of unorthodox ideas' -mad.

'Forthcoming changes in the regulatory
 environment' - Oh Christ, here we go
 again.
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 James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'

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