Saturday, 6 July 2013

Jokes.......................Buffalo's fart...............72013

Santa needed a buffalo as few of his customers demanded buffalo milk. He asked around and learnt that good buffaloes were available in the village of Vanipur. So off Santa went to Vanipur and came across a farmer who wanted to sell his animal. The farmer told him to see the animal first and if he liked it, they could negotiate the deal.
They went to the back of the house where the well built animal was lazing. Santa reached under its belly and pulled the teats. No milk came out but the animal farted unusually loud. Santa was taken aback but decided to try another teat. This time too, the animal farted but milk came out in abundance. So Santa bought the animal from the farmer.
Back home, Santa called his neighbor Banta for his opinion about the buy. Banta reached under and pulled the animal’s teats. The buffalo farted. Banta said: “I am hundred percent sure you bought it from Vanipur.”
Santa was amazed: “Yes, but how did you know?”
Banta: “My wife is from Vanipur.”
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A bullet rider and his girlfriend go to a bank for a loan to purchase a home for themselves. They turn up in tight leather pants, both have long hair, tattoos, wear bandanas and dark shades.

The bank manager is in a bit of a fix and cannot understand which one is male and which one's female. Not sure how to convey his dilemma, he finally asks, "Ok, which one of you has the menstrual cycle?"

The biker replied,"Must be her, I ride a Bullet."
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Joe was visiting the country with his father. His father owned a farm house with some cows in it.

Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.

His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"

Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."
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 A lady is running out of luck at the roulette table in a casino. She is left with only $500 and is absolutely desperate. She cries out, "This is the heights of bad luck! What in heaven's name should I do now?"
A gentleman standing next to her, tries to console her and says, "Why don't you just play your age?"

He goes away but in a short while, he hears some commotion and walks back to the roulette table. He is surprised to see the lady lying unconscious on the floor, while a crowd had gathered around her.

He asks the operator, "What happened to her? Is she ok?"

The operator replies, "I have no idea sir, she put all her money on 28. When 37 showed up, she just fainted!"
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An economist and an accountant are taking a stroll in the countryside and they come across a pond. They find a frog sitting at the edge of the pond. The economist says to the accountant, "I challenge you to eat that frog. If you do, I'll give you $10,000!"

The accountant thinks about his funds and concludes he could do with some extra money, so he grabs the frog, eats it and collects the money.

A week later, they pass by the same pond, and again they notice a frog. This time the accountant challenges the economist, saying, "Eat that frog and you'll get $10,000."

After assessing the situation, the economist decides to go ahead. So he eats the frog and collects the money.

They are on their way, when the accountant says, "To think about it, we both have the same amount of money as we had before, but we both ate the frogs. How are we any better off?"

The economist replied, "What you say is true but you ignored the fact that we have been just involved in trade of $40,000.".
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 Sergeant Davis was conducting a drill one morning when he was given a letter. After reading the letter, he yelled, "Private Thompson...Stand up!....You mother is DEAD!"
Private Thompson broke down on hearing the news and passed out.

Sergeant Wilson, who witnessed the little incident, said to Sergeant Davis, "Had you broken the news to him softly, he wouldn't have been so upset."

After a few months, Sergeant Davis was running another drill, when he received a letter again, stating that Private Thompson's father had expired. Sergeant Davis, determined to be more considerate this time, shouted, "Everyone whose father is still alive, take one step forward."

They did as told.

Then Sergeant Davis shouted, "PRIVATE THOMPSON...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?".
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There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and could hardly see anything in the dark. Then he saw a ghostlike figure of a car moving slowly, inch by inch towards him. He was desperate and so without waiting for usual formalities of asking permission, he took opportunity of the slow movement of the car, jumped in closing the door after him. Only then he saw that there was no one in the car, not even a driver. He could not hear the sound of engine and yet the car was moving.

The traveler was terrified. He began to pray for his safety as he had heard a lot of ghost stories in this area. He was too scared to make a move and jump out. So he sat frozen. Then all of a sudden, a hand from nowhere reached in from the front window to guide the car near a curve and disappeared as suddenly after negotiating the curve. The traveler was frozen scared. When the next curve came and the hand appeared from nowhere, he gathered his wits and jumped out of the slow moving car too fearful to see right and left and ran for his life. After what seemed an eternity he reached a small town and saw a bar in the middle of the road. Scared, wet and shocked, he barged into the bar and ordered three straight shots of whiskey on ice and gulped them down.

Regaining his breath, he told everyone present in the bar of his experience with the ghost car. People realized that he was no drunk shooting his mouth and was speaking the truth. All murmur stopped and there was pin drop silence. The atmosphere became spooky.

After about three quarters of an hour, Dean and Martin walked into the bar and Dean exclaimed: “Look over there to your right Mart, there sits that son of a b*itch who rode our car when we were pushing it in rain.” 

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