Thursday, 2 May 2013

Jokes............Engineer's special......2...........I want an all-women motorcycle gang.............47613

Back when optical fiber was gaining acceptance, an EE was giving a presentation to a group of Army officers about how much better optical fiber was for battlefield communications instead of coaxial cable such as RG-8/U (a very thick and heavy cable). The optical fiber was was lightweight, thin, almost invisible, and could be thrown into the treetops easily.
A grizzled old Sergeant spoke up after handing a sample of the optical fiber - "How the hell can I use this stuff to pull a jeep out of the mud?"

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An EE was on a Navy battleship during politically touchy times and all ship-to-shore communications were limited to strictly official business. The EE's wife was about to give birth to their first child, so he made a deal with the radio operators to have the announcement sent to him in a coded message.

Eventually the big event happened and he received an official message "The radio parts have arrived in good order."

"Acknowledged. Please inform if receiver or transmitter."

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In the early 1940s, so the story goes, the Army wanted a dependable supply of llama dung, as required by specifications for treating the leather used in airplane seats. Submarine attacks made shipping from South America unreliable, so the Army attempted to establish a herd of llamas in New Jersey. Only after the attempt failed did anyone question the specification. The airforce was questioned why they used llama dung on the leather seats and where told because the cavalry had used it to treat their leather saddles and if it was the best for them then they would use it on the seats. The cavalry where questioned why they used llama dung on the saddles and told because the British cavalry had used it on their saddles and if it was good enough for the British it was good enough for the US. Telegrams were sent to Britain to find why llama dung was used and where told that it was no longer used now but had been used in colonial times.

Great Britain's pressing need for cavalry to patrol its many colonies meant bringing together raw recruits, untrained horses, and new saddles. The new leather smell made the horses skittish and unmanageable. Treating the saddle leather with llama dung imparted an odor that calmed the horses. The treatment, therefore, became part of the leather's specification, which remained unchanged for a century.

So, on your next project, make sure you know the reasoning behind the specs. If you hear "We've always done it that way," watch out for llama dung. 

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Two atoms are walking down the street. One of them says, "Oh no! I just lost an electron!"

The other one says, "Are you sure?"

The first one replies, "Oh yeah. I'm positive." 

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A hardware engineer, software engineer and program manager had a morning customer meeting. After leaving the customer's office, they come across an old brass lantern in the parking lot. One of them picks up the lantern and rubs it. A genie appears. Seeing the three men, he offers each one wish.

The software engineer answers first. "I want a yacht in the Caribbean with an all-women crew." Poof, the software engineer disappears.

Next, the hardware engineer speaks up. "I want an all-women motorcycle gang, cruising the southwest." Poof, he disappears.

Finally, the genie then turns to the program manager and asks, "What would you like?" The program manager looks at his watch and replies, "I want them both back by 2 pm."

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An engineer and an economist are on a bus in a third-world country traveling to a remote site to do a survey. All of a sudden a band of revolutionaries jump out of the roadside bushes and force the driver to stop. Seeing the two foreigners, the rebels take them hostage.

The rebels try to ransom the two hostages, but to no avail. After a while they get tired of marching the hostages from place to place so they decide to execute them, but they offer each one last wish.

They ask the economist what he wants and he says he'd like to do a last economic forecast in front of the rebels from the notes he has in his backpack. The rebels agree and go to the engineer. "What would you like as your final wish?" they ask. The engineer answers, "Please shoot me first."

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Bill Gates ends up in Purgatory in a conference room with St. Peter and Satan. They tell Bill his inventions have done great amounts of good and harm, and they can't decide where he belongs. So they are going to let him choose after he gets tours of heaven and hell.

St. Peter takes him up to heaven. Bill thinks it's nice, but the puffy white clouds and harp music will get pretty boring after awhile. Next, Satan takes him for a tour of hell. To Bill's surprise he is on a white coral beach with turquoise water. Gorgeous women in bikins are serving trays of drinks!

Back in Purgatory, they ask Bill for his decision. He said heaven would frankly become boring, so his choice is hell.... Poof! Bill is in hell. The super hot air is full of sulphur and agonized screams. Satan is prodding him along with a red-hot pitchfork! Bill is shocked, and asks "The beach and the women...what happened?"

Satan says with a loud laugh..."Oh, that was the demo version!"

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets. 

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 

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IF ENGINEERS WROTE COOKBOOKS

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460o K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55) or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25o C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
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