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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Jokes............Engineer's special...1.......Hey, I see your problem!.................47213

A CEO of a manufacturing facility is faced with a problem. His packaging machines have over a 10% failure rate and as a result his company is shipping empty boxes to their customers at an alarming rate, which is damaging their reputation as a vendor and threatening their relationships. They bring in an engineering company that, at a cost of over 5 million dollars, designs and implements a system that includes a scale in the production line that weighs the cartons as they pass, and if the carton doesn't weigh correctly, completely shuts down the line. A line worker then must then walk over, remove the empty carton, and manually restart the line. The system is implemented and after a few snags, the system is up and running. A couple of months pass and the CEO checks their error rates and sees that the new design system has a 0% failure rate - a statistical impossibility. He consults with department heads to find out the source of the information only to find out that the numbers are in fact correct. So he heads down to the packaging line to investigate further. Upon arrival, he sees someone has placed a fan on top of a chair and pointed it at the line - blowing the empty cartons off the line. He asks who did this, and one of the line workers admitted that he had done it because he got tired of walking over to remove the empty cartons and restarting the line.
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The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

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Arguing with an engineer is like trying to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.

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When I was a kid my dad used to tell me that I was going to be an Astronaut when I grew up, because all I did in school was take up space.

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An Army Captain and his driver looked forelornly at their disabled vehicle in Iraq during Desert Storm. Finally, an old crusty Sergeant drove by and stopped to check on them. After a few minutes of tinkering with one thing or another, the Sergeant slammed down the hood and the vehicle cranked right up. "Hell, it didn't take a rocket scientist to fix that!" exclaimed the Sergeant. "Glad to hear that," said the Captain. "Back home in Huntsville, I work at NASA!" (True story)

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True story:
I and a close friend ARE both retired rocket scientists. We were attending a town council meting one night where one of the councilmen went on and on about school funding and ended with "and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand that!" My friend stood up and said: "I am a rocket scientist and I didn't understand a word you said." The laughing went on for 20 minutes. 

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A group of NASA mechanical engineers were brainstorming how they might overcome the thermal challanges involved in sending a manned probe to the sun. An electrical engineer overheard thier discussion and suggested "why don't you just go at night?".

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The engineer, physicist, and mathematition were all at a conference hotel, and each woke up to discover a small fire had started in the carpet beside the bed. The engineer ran to the bathroom, filled the ice bucket with water, and doused the fire, although making a mess in the process. The physicist used a pocket knife to excise the burning part of the carpet, brought it to the sink, and poured a glass of water on it. The mathematition went to the bathroom, turned the water on, then off, and got back in bed saying "a solution exists." 
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An engineer has a leaky faucet and decides to call a plumber. It is not easy 'cause plumbers are always full of work and give biblical waiting times. Finally find a plumber willing to intervene after two weeks at a slightly higher cost. On the appointed day, the plumber comes to the engineer for fixing the faucet and complete the job in ten minutes. The plumbers presents to the engineer a bill for $ 200. "It's not possible - says the engineer-" even I as an engineer gain $ 1200 per hour.". " You are right to say you do not earn so much"- said the plumber - " but even I earned them when I was an engineer." 

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A priest, a tax collector and and engineer get caught up in a revolution and all are sentenced to die by guillotine.
The priest is the first to clamped into the dilapidated old slicer. The rope was pulled but the blade refused to fall. All proclaimed it a miracle and decided it was divine intervention and the priest was released.
The tax collector was next and all knew that this hated man would surely die. The rope was pulled the blade dropped and stopped halfway. All agreed that there must be something redeeming about this man that would bring about such mercy and they released him.
The engineer was then led to the place of execution and they prepare to lock him in. He glances up at the blade and says "Hey, I see your problem!"

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Two Polish dudes were on a flight across the Atlantic, when one of them says, "hey, I think I'm going to take a look out the other side". Suddenly, the airplane exploded into a ball of flame.

No one could explain how the plane failed, until they brought in an electrical engineer. "You must keep all of the Poles on the left side of the plane."
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