Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Funny Definitions and ball replacement of computer mouse........................38813

Abundance - A baker's exercise (A-bun-dance)  
Arbitrator - A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

  Arcade - A lemonade type drink served on Noah's Ark.  
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.  
Babysitter - A small child that has not learned to crawl or walk.  

Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.  
Band-Aid - A fund to help a band.
Bernadette - The act of torching a mortgage.
 Burglarize - What a crook sees with.
 Cadillac - Lack of cattle.
  Contents - Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.  
Control - A short, ugly inmate.  

Cookout - The cook's day off.  

Counterfeiters - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.  
Cowlick - Bashing a cow.  
Cowhide - Game of Hide and Seek played by cows.  
Detail - Removing a tail.  
Dieting - The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
  Dog Paddle - A rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it.
  Doughnut - Holey food.
 Eclipse - What a Cockney barber does for a living.  
Eyedropper - A clumsy ophthalmologist.
  Fan Club - A weapon used by a celebrity so he won't be crushed by fans.
  Feather Brained - Fuzzy headed.  
Feather Head - An American Indian Chief.  
Fire Escape - A way for a fire to go out.  
First Lady - Eve.  
Flying Saucers - The wife is on a rampage.  
Funny Paper - (1) A paper that laughs. (2) The paper you read instead of going to church.
  Ghost Town - A town full of Haunted Houses.  
Girl Scout - A boy that "scouts" for girls.  
Good-bye - A bargain.  
Gossip - 24-hour teller.  
Handicap - A head cover that is easy to locate and wear.  
Hardship - A ship protected by thick cover.  
Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.
 Hay - Grass a-la-mowed.
  Headlight - A dizzy spell.
  Heavy Duty - Loading an elephant.  
Hence - An enclosure around a hen yard.  
Heroes - What a guy in a boat does. High school - A school atop the Sears Building.  
High water - The main reason Noah built the ark.  
Himalaya - A rooster that lays an egg.  
Holy Smoke - A church on fire. House Keeper - A lady that kicks her husband out and keeps the house.  
Ideal Person - A card player that wants to deal everytime.  
Illegal - A sick bird.
Installment - Putting a horse in a stall.
  Lad - A short ladder.  
Laughing Stock - Cattle, horses, sheep and hogs responding to a good joke.  
Layaway Plan - A pre-arranged burial plan.  
Laying Down The Law - Putting the law aside and making your own rules.  
Left Bank - What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
  Life Jacket - A special coat that lasts a lifetime.  
Lip Service - Applying lipstick.  
Little Dipper - A small boy diving. Long Jump - When the cow jumped over the moon.
 Matchbook - A book about matches.  
Megaphone - A very large telephone.
Mistletoe - Any animal with a toe missing.
Misty - How golfers create divots. Mohair - What bald headed men need.  
Monkey Business - A petstore employing monkeys only.  
Moron - Someone that spent all night studying for a blood test.
  Moth Ball - A special social event for moths.  
Negative Feedback - One result of seasickness.
  Network - The process of making nets.  
Outfit - Pitching a fit outdoors.  
Over Leap - When the cow jumped over the moon. Overloaded - An elephant riding a bicycle.  
Oyster Bed - A place for an oyster to sleep.  
Pacifist - One that can't advocate peace without clinching his fist.
Paradox - Two physicians.  
Parasites - What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
  Pedestrian - An endagered species.  
Period - A comma that curled up and went to sleep.  
Pharmacist - A helper on the farm.  
Piggyback - A lost pig is back home.  
Pigment - A mint plant grown to feed hogs.  
Pineapple - An apple that grew on a pine tree.  
Polarize - What penguins see with. Pole Vault - A vault where poles hid from Hitler.  
Polite - A light on a pole.  
Polygon - A parrot that got away.  
Priesthood - A special headpiece for a priest.
  Primate - Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
 Protest - Testing a professional person.  
Put-down - To hot to handle. Quarterback - Change when you pay for a 75¢ item with a dollar bill.  
Reform - To gain or lose weight.  
Refuse - Replacing a burned out fuse.  
Relief - What trees do in the spring. Remind - A brain transplant.  
Rest Stop - The traffic light is stuck on red.
  Retire - Replacement of tires.  
Ringworm - Worm with a bell.  
Rock Music - A lullaby sung in a rocking chair.
 Roman - A person that never settles very long in one place. Sausage - "Groundog".  
Scorekeeper - Someone that knows the score but keeps it to himself. Showoff - The show has been cancelled.  
Selfish - What the owner of a seafood store does.  
Single Entry - Single people only.

  Standing Order - Freeze!  
Subdued - Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.  
Sudafed - Brought litigation against a government official. Sunny - A bright boy.  
Sunbeam - A heat proof beam supporting the sun.  
Sunburn - What you basked for. Sundial - An old-timer.
Sweater - A person that freely perspires.  
Syntax - All the money collected at the church from sinners.  
Teenagers - People who are doing the things you wish we had thought of when we were younger.  
Time Keeper - A guy that didn't return your watch.  
Tireless - Have a car but have no tires.  
Tooth Picks - The choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth.  
Touch-Me-Not - A person with a severe sunburn.  
Travelers Aid - A soft drink for tourists.  
Vitamin - What you do when someone comes to the house.  
Waffle Iron - A special additive to put more iron in waffles.  
Waterfall - A "watered-down" place in a stream.  
Well Done - A water, gas or oil well is completed.  
Weekend - A book with a blah ending.  
Whether - Unpredictable weather.  
Wildlife - Living it up!  
Witchcraft - Handmade crafts made for Halloween.  

Woodchuck - Throwing a heavy pole, post or other item made of wood.  
Workout - An outside job.  
Writer - One who corrects a wrong.  
Year Book - A book that takes a year to read.
 Zero Hour - Time kept by a "cuckoo" clock.
  Ball replacement--


These days we have 
optical and laser mice, 
but In the 
olden days a couple of years 
computer mice had balls in them and 
it required some maintenance 
for proper functioning. 

This memo is from an 
unnamed computer company. 
It went to all field engineers 
about a computer peripheral problem, 
The author of this memo 
was quite serious. 
The engineers rolled on the floor laughing. 

Mouse balls are now available as 
FRU (Field Replacement Unit). 
Therefore, if a mouse fails 
to operate or should it perform erratically, 
it may need a ball replacement. 
Because of the delicate 
nature of this procedure, 
replacement of mouse balls 
should only be attempted by 
properly trained personnel. 

Before proceeding, 
determine the type of mouse balls by 
examining the underside of the mouse. 
Domestic balls will be 
larger and harder than foreign balls. 
Ball removal procedures differ 
depending upon the 
manufacturer of the mouse. 

Foreign balls can be 
replaced using the pop-off method. 
Domestic balls 
are replaced by using the twist-off method. 

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. 
However, excessive handling 
can result in sudden discharge. 
Upon completion of ball replacement, 
the mouse may be used immediately. 
It is recommended that each replacer 
have a pair of spare balls for 
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. 

Any customer missing his balls 
should suspect local personnel 
of removing these necessary items.

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