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Friday, 1 March 2013

What Doctors Say and What They Really mean-----Funny and Stupid 50 Jokes..............24613

What Doctors Say and What They Really mean------------
 
"This should be taken care of right away."
 
- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Wellll, what do we have here...?"
 
- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
 
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
 
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.  - or-
 - I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
 
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
 
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
 
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
 
- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
 
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
 
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
 
- I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
 
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
 
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
 
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
 
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
 
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
 
- You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split the fees with me...
"There is a lot of that going around."
 
- My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
 
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

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If a barber makes a mistake,


It's a ... New Style






If a driver makes a mistake,


It is a New path ... New Path








If a engineer makes a mistake,


It is a ... New Venture









If parents makes a mistake,


It is a ... New Generation







If a politician makes a mistake,


It is a ... New Law









If a scientist makes a mistake,


It is a ... New Invention









If a tailor makes a mistake,


It is a ... New Fashion









If a teacher makes a mistake ,


It is a ... New Theory









If our boss makes a mistake,


It is a New idea ...













If an employee makes a mistake,


It is a Mistake ... Mistake
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Funny and Stupid 50 jokes-
1 A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
2 Sardar-why r all these people running? Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?
3 Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense. Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
4 Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote: Yes!
5 Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.
6 Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.
7 Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
8 Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..
9 Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ? Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
10 Sardar was writing something very slowly. Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly? Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
11 Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..
12 A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".
13 Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
14 Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
15 Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
16 A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
17 Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
18 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".. My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another. Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
19 Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
20 Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage" It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
21 What is a girl friend? Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
22 Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

23 Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
24 As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
25 Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26 What's the definition of lawyer? The larval form of a politician
27 Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
28 How do you recognize a Sardar in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
29 once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
30 Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. " When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya? (What Happened, My Son?)

31 The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, ) aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!
32 Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens . because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died 'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
33 2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha hai ki Reliance mai Job.
34 Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ? A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
35 Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
36 .How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
37 A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
38 Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
39 Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya hoga....???
40 Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
41 Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
42 Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat..... Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....?? Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..?? Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!

43 Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no.
44 Man : How old is your father? Boy : As old as me. Man : How can that be? Boy : He became a father only when I was born


45 Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How? Student : Ladies first.
46 Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time? Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will. Customer : I bet you, it won't. Post Master : Why not? Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
47 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window! 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
48 Man before Marriage I like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan" After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network Follows."
49 Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour , Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey. Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!! gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI. ..
50 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense
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