Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Stupid and funny one liner jokes --34013

Why chocolate is better than sex- here are some 20 reasons.....

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you`ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won`t mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn`t scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don`t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there`s no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn`t make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn`t matter.
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.

"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 232-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Stupid and funny one liner jokes --
They lived happily until they got married.

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."
Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.

The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.

"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"
"Fine. She vanished last night."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

"I heard you missed school yesterday."
"Not a bit."

"I gotta 'A' in spelling."
"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."

My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe .
I have no objections - I let her talk.

There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.
Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture
Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.
An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.

"My uncle has a cedar chest."
"My uncle has a wooden leg."

"I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning."

There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

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