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Monday, 4 March 2013

Santa, hang up the phone and come back to bed.............26013

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. 
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.
The wife , not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother".
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said,"Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!'
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A conman's wife goes to the jail and tells the warden:
Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn't kill nobody!
Miss , he's only washing the dishes, why is that so hard?
The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel!
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"Garry,it's the 5th time you're late to work this week!' blasted the Boss,"Do you know what that means?
"Probably that it's Friday....?"
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Boy friend: How do I play the guitar?
Girl friend: You should be on TV for your talent.
BF: Am I so good ?
GF : If you were on TV , I could at least switch it off.
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Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have ??
A: Baby tigers.
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Q: Why is the number six afraid ??
A: Because seven eight nine. (seven ate nine )
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A: I'm in big trouble!
B: why is that ?
A: I saw a mouse in my house !
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it in the trap.
A: I don't have a oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
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Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out of the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
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Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly. 
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Tom, the commonwealth gold medal runner, was on his way to a bar with some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said," Sorry, mate, you cant come in here- no denim".
Tom was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "don't you know who I am? I'm Tom, the gold medal winner in 400 m".
" Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it? replied the bouncer.
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 A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime , and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said. "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where !"
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Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:

"To my dear wife Esther,
I leave the house,
50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

"To my son Barry,
I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

"To my daughter Suzy,
I leave my yacht and $250,000.

"And to my brother-in-law Jeff,
who always insisted
that health is better than wealth,
I leave my treadmill."
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Cell Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, Santa sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart, its Santa. I am on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with the accounts officer, It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart".
Fifteen minutes later, Santa was still talking and that too loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Santa, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Santa doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.....
   
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