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Thursday, 7 March 2013

Behind every successful man, there is a woman...................27213

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

The HR
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong."

Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong.

So they asked him, "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS, but I was wrong."
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It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"


"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." "Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up!
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If your father is a poor man,
It is your fate but,

If your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

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I was born intelligent - Education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
So why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.

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The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow
What you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........

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