|One evening my wife followed me to the pub. She had a sip of my beer and said:|
"How can you come here and drink that awful stuff?"
"There you are," I said, "and you always said I was out enjoying myself."
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between London and Brighton. "About 2 hours,"
says the conductor. "Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Brighton and London?" The irate
conductor says to the drunk, "it's still about 2 hours, why do you think there'd be a difference?"|
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a helluva long time between New Year to Christmas!"
|A lady came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a pound a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two pounds. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. The lady thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"|
A young girl goes to see her priest on Saturday morning for confession. "Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."|
"Yes, I went out with my boyfriend Friday night. He held my hand twice, kissed me three times and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
Farmer Giles lived for many years with only his dog for a companion. One sad day he found his dog dead from old age.
He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh no, we can't
have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down the street that might be willing."|
"Father do you think £1,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer Giles.
"Well why didn't you tell me your dog was a catholic?"
A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned good
sermon you gave, damned good!"|
"I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself."
"I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket."
"The hell you did?!" replied the priest.