|During a divorce proceeding...|
Judge: "Mr Jones, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife, £400 a week."
Mr Jones: "That's very good of you your honour, every now and then I'll send her a few quid myself."
A businessman is confused about paying an invoice, so he decides to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office, "Lisa, you have a university degree, I need some help. If I were to give you £2000
minus 14%, how much would you take off?"|
Lisa: "Everything but my earrings."
A police patrolman pulls up next to the guy unloading rubbish out of his pick-up into the ditch at the side of the road.
The patrolman asks, "why are you dumping rubbish in the ditch? Can't you see the sign there?"|
"Sure," he replies, "it says 'Fine for Dumping Garbage.'"
|On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, young Timmy sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad. His father noticed him crying and asked, "what's wrong, Timmy?" Between sniffles Timmy replied, that priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you!"|
A little boy was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbour spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Peter, what are you up to?" he asked.|
"My goldfish died and I'm going to bury him," Peter replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" asked the neighbour.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked,
"where do you want to go?"|
"Heaven! Heaven!" yelled little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" yelled little Johnny.
|The Sunday School teacher asks a young boy, "Now, tell me frankly, do you say your prayers before eating meals?" "No sir," the little boy replies, "I don't have to... my Mum's a good cook."|
|A door-to-door salesman comes-a-knocking and a 10-year-old boy answers the door, a beer in one hand, a lit cigar in the other and a girl on each arm. The salesman says, "little boy, is your mummy home?" The little boy taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"|