|A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After an hour the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked.|
"Because I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Albert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M6, please be careful!"|
"Jesus", said Albert, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"
A five year old boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"|
The policeman said, "what's he like?"
"Beer and women!"
|One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. They were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "you scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost, what are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled, "they mis-spelled my name!"|
|A Sheriff and his men caught three outlaws and the punishment for their crimes was to be hung on a tree on a riverbank. They put the noose around the first outlaw`s neck but he slipped out through the noose and fell into a river, swam away and was free. They put the noose around the second outlaw`s neck and he also slipped through the noose and fell into the river and swam away and was free. They put the noose around the third outlaw`s neck. The outlaw says, "Can you make the noose a little tighter, I can`t swim".|
A guy goes to see his doctor to request some pain pills for his migrane headaches. His doctor tells him, "Harry,
you are not just my patient but also a very good friend, pain pills are not the answer. They seem to work at first
but soon you have to take more and more to get relief. As your doctor and friend I suggest you do for your pain as I
do. I go home take off all my clothes, then my wife takes off all her clothes and very gently massages my eyes for
about 15 minutes. This always works for me." Three weeks later Harry sees his doctor at the local market.
"Hey, Harry," asks the doctor, "did you try my suggestion?"|
"I sure did," says Harry, "by the way, you have a very nice house."
John was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess to you."|
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I must tell you, I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, your favourite Auntie and your mother!"
"I know you did darling," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."