Friday, 1 February 2013

Railway jokes.............13613

Mr Smith gets into work late for the 5th time in five days and his boss says: "OK Smith, what's the excuse today? "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
"I'm very sorry boss," he says, "everything went wrong this morning, my wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes but we got stuck in traffic. I didn't want to let you down so I got out of the car, knocked a policeman off his motor bike, stole his bike and raced through the streets to the station with siren screaching, the train was just pulling out of the platform so I ran after it and jumped on the back, I clung on at speeds of 100mph for 30 minutes but it didn't stop in the station so I jumped off on the viaduct into the swollen river and swam through raging torrents, got out of the river and grabbed a passing fire engine, clung on for dear life and it dropped me off here - and here I am - look, my suit's still damp!"
"You'll have to do better than that, Smith," said the boss, disappointed. "That's unbelievable, no woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
A man on the northbound "Night Caledonian" sleeping car train ordered one of the attendants, "I have to be off at Perth, I'm a heavy sleeper (no pun intended!), but I must get off there. I want you to put me off, whatever I say."
The next morning he woke up at Inverness!
Extremely annoyed he found the attendant and gave him a piece of his mind. After he had left, somebody asked the attendant, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk?"
"That's nothing!", replied the attendent, "you should have heard the guy I put off at Perth!"
Jim wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
At the job interview the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?
Jim said: "I would put all signals to danger"
"What if they were going too fast?", asked the inspector.
Jim said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down the signal box steps waving a red flag", said Jim.
"What if it blew away in the wind?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run back into the signal box & phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
" that case," persevered Jim, "I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing."
"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"
"Oh well, then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Harry."
This puzzled the Inspector, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash!!"
Young Alec and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train.
"The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster.
The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Alec had a coke.
Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.
"Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.
An hour later, Alec, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.
"Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you laughing?"
"They only came to see me off!"

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