Saturday, 2 February 2013

Railway Jokes (2)............13813

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a railway carriage travelling through India. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face where he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
"Did I miss my train? Did I miss my train? No, I didn't miss my train! I just chased it out of the station because I didn't like the look of it!"
There are fewer accidents on the railways than on the roads because firemen don't wear short skirts and high heels!
Why do steam locos have a sore bottom? Because they have a tender behind - groan! groan!
What's the difference between a teacher and a guard?
One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently she's thrown to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.
"I'll be right up", says the manager.
The manager is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. "What do you think you're doing in bed with my wife!" he says.
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees the guard walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the guard. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes however, it stops again. The woman sees the same guard walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
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