Monday, 28 January 2013

Pub jokes.................10913

A man goes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks. He finishes it then peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini. After he finishes it he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. After four double martinis the barman says, "Look, pal, I've been wondering why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket after each drink?" The customer replies, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good then I know it's time to go home."
A guy walks into a pub and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the loo. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
This man walks into a bar with a really great expensive shirt on. The barman says, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "Christian Dior." A second man walks into the bar wearing a really superb expensive pair of trousers and the barman asks, "where'd you get the great trousers mate?" The man replies, "Christian Dior." A third man walks into the bar with some really nice looking espensive shoes and socks on. The barman asks, where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "Christian Dior." Then a fourth guy runs in stark naked and the barman says, "hey, you can't come in here like that, who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm Christian Dior! I've just been mugged!"
A bar owner in the old wild west has just hired a new timid, shy bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big Bad Billy is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!" A few weeks pass uneventfully by. Then one afternoon a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big Bad Billy is coming to town! Run for your lives!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up he sees a large man approaching the saloon, 7 feet tall, mean and muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside and demands, "I want a beer now!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar nearly splitting it in half. The bartender, hands shaking, nervously hands the big man a bottle of beer. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town. Didn't ya hear Big Bad Billy is a-comin?"
A man walks into a bar where's there's a man playing a piano with his monkey dancing on top of the piano. The man sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey then jumps onto the bar and urinates in the man's beer. The man yells to the piano player, "hey, do you know your monkey's just done one in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!"
Why couldn't William Shakespeare get a drink in a pub?
Because he was bard!
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