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Thursday, 24 January 2013

One line jokes............8713

I had a terrible meal in a restaurant, I called the waiter over and asked him what it was, he said it was "bean stew", I said "I don't care what it's been, what is it now?"
Crime in Venice is on the increase - it's no longer safe to swim the streets!
I heard that some Arabs are stoned for adultery - I prefer it better sober!
Toys from China are preparing our kids for when they leave school - they don't work!
I've converted my house to run on static electricity - when I want to cook anything I have to take my jumper off very quickly!
I was born by cesarian - it hasn't affected too much except when I leave the house I go out of the window!
I got food poisioning today - not decided yet when I'm going to use it!
I have sex with women almost every day - almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday, almost Thursday ...
I refuse to pay my electricity bills - I'm not paying for something I can't even see!
I've bought some flip-up contact lenses as I only need them for reading!
I've joined the flat earth society - they have members all around the world!
I hitched a lift on a car transporter - there was no room in the cab so I sat in one of the cars on top - the driver got stopped for speeding and we both got a ticket!
I have a friend who's a radio DJ - the trouble is when he walks under a bridge you can't hear what he says!
I'm a little paranoid - I carry around a piece of garlic-flavoured bacon in case I'm attacked by a Jewish vampire!
I know when I'm going to die - my birth certificate has an expiry date!
Calcium anthropology - the study of milkmen!
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