Wednesday, 30 January 2013

More & More Pub Jokes...............12113

Jack was sitting outside his local pub one day enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the devil's poison!" Now Jack gets pretty annoyed about this and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards it is evil I'll give up drink for life"
"How could I, a nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The nun agrees, so Jack goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that nun again is it?"
There's a guy sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. After a while a big trouble-making truck driver walks in and stands next to him, takes the drink from the guy and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that", says the man. "This day is the worst of my life. First I fall asleep and then I'm late to my job. Because I'm late my boss fires me. When I leave I found out my car was stolen. I get a taxi home and when I leave it I remember I left my wallet and credit cards on the seat in the taxi. The driver just drives away with them. I go home and when I get there I find my wife in bed with the gardener and the postman. I leave home and come to this bar. "And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life you show up and drink my poison!"
A man runs into a bar and asks the landlord, "Give me ten shots of your best malt whisky and make them doubles." The landlord sets up the ten glasses and pours out double whiskies. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the landlord serves them. The landlord asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
"You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks,
"Why, what do you have?"
A man decides to leave work early and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at two in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he gets home he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs he loses his balance, falls over backwards and lands flat on his backside. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass cut up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt. As he was undressing he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut and bleeding. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story when his wife came into the bedroom. "You look terrible," she said. "Where'd you go last night?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of plasters stuck to the mirror!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks the landlord for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks the landlord gets worried. "What's the matter?" he asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a month, a whole 31 days." The landlord thought about this for a while. "Some men would be over the moon if their wife wasn't talking to them for 31 days?" asked the landlord. Why are you so unhappy?
"This is the last night."
A kangaroo hops into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The landlord says, "That'll be £5.50 please. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here."
The kangaroo says, "I'm not surprised at £5.50 a pint!"

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