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Thursday, 24 January 2013

Jokes on 'ME'.................8313

I was having sex with my wife and she kept calling out other men's names. It was very off-putting, particularly as they were answering back!"
I went drinking with a friend. I bought the first round and he was drinking horlicks! When it came to his round he was fast asleep!
I've been married 40 years - if I'd been a train robber I'd be a free man now!
They say one in four children born today are Chinese - I haven't noticed with my own four, John, Louise, Steven and Ho Chi!
I was making love to my wife when I saw a peeping-tom at the window - I wouldn't have minded but he was booing me!
I asked the librarian if she had anything by Harold Pinter - she said, "yes,twins!"
I've given up my job as a taxi driver - I got fed up of people talking behind my back!
I've taken a job as a road sweeper - it's better than walking the streets!
I have friends who swear they dream in color - it's just a pigment of their imagination
I asked the barmaid for a light draught so she blew up my trouser leg!
I once went out with a girl called Joan of Arc - she's just an old flame!
I went to see a geriatric circus - we all ran for cover when the incontinent trapeeze artist arrived!
I went to an auction and paid £50 for the unknown soldier's autograph!
I got into a taxi and said to the driver, "Camilla's Close".
"Don't worry" he said, "I'll lose her at the next set of lights"!
I've got six kids but one of them looks nothing like the others. I asked my wife if he had a different father, she said, "yes, YOU!"
My girlfriend wanted me to kiss her somewhere she'd never been kissed before - I took her to Cleethorpes?
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