Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Again some more pub jokes..........11313

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. They leave the pub just before dawn, both of them drunk. On the way home they feel the urge to relieve themselves. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her knickers off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my knickers" so she used the ribbon off a nearby wreath. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone and one says to the other: "These two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her knickers" The other one responded: "Well mine came home with a card stuck to her bottom that read, "We will never forget you!"
A man walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer. He took a sip of the beer, then tossed the remainder into the barman's face. Before the barman could recover from the surprise, the man began crying. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that when I order a drink. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this, I'm so ashamed." Far from being angry, the barman was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychiatrist about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychiatrist," the barman said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the barman and left. Six months later the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the barman asked, serving the pint of beer. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychiatrist twice a week." He took a sip of the beer. Then he threw the remainder into the barman's face. The flustered barman wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He spluttered. "On the contrary," the man said, "he's done me the world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The barman exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" He drinks it and orders another beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The landlord looks confused. This goes on for a while and after the fifth beer the landlord is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
Three men were talking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow", said the second man, "that's impressive, what happened next? She said, "get out from under the bed you wimp and fight like a man".
A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: "I'd like something long, cold, slim and full of gin." The landlord says, "how about my wife?"

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