Saturday, 22 December 2012

I have three moms ........jokes..................154012

Robert and Sam had become friends 
recently. They were sitting in a coffee
shop and trying to get to know each 
other.

Robert: “Tell me something about your 
family.”

Sam: “Sure thing. I have two brothers 
and two sisters. What about you?”

Robert: “No siblings. But I have three 
moms because of my first dad and 
three dads because of my first mom.”
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 An over-smart tourist was traveling by
 boat in Hong Kong.

he asked the boatman "Do you know
 how all life on earth came from the
 sea?"

Boatman: "No!"

Tourist: "Do you know Biology?"

Boatman: "No, Not much!"

Tourist: "Do you know anything about
 Psychology, Geography, or Geology?"

Boatman: "No"

Tourist: "Really!! Then What the hell do
 you know, do you want to die of
 illiteracy!"

After sometime, the boat started to
 sink, so the boatman asked the tourist
 :

Boatman: "Do you know Swimology &
 Escapology?"

The scared Tourist: "No!! why??"

Boatman: "Really!! Well you will 
Drownology and Crocodilogy will eat 
your Bodiology and you will Dieology
 because of your Badmouthology"
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Boss: “Sam, you are still so young.
 Why have you lost so much hair.”

Sam: “Yes sir, it's worry and tension.”

Boss: “What worry?”

Sam: “Losing my hair, sir.”
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You live in Beirut when:

1. You can't speak in just one language
 for more than two sentences straight.


2. You know people by their cars... 
"Tony with the silver BMW, not the blue
 one. Tony with the blue one was
 hanging out with Jean with the black
 Mercedes. They were met up by 
Georges with the Red GTI"


3. The guy who polishes your shoes for 
250 lira (16 cents) has a brand new
 state of the art cell phone.


4. You can't get a job because you're 
not Syrian, Filipino, Sri Lankan, or
 Egyptian.


5. You have family members in at least
 three other continents.


6. During the World Cup, you forget
 what country you're in because of all
 the Brazilian, German, French, and
 Italian flags hanging on people's cars,
 balconies, and over the street.


7. The driver in front of you has a 
"Michael Schumacher" sticker on his 
rear window.
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Signs You are Addicted to the
 Internet

* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's
 home page.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to
 scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site
 burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for
 new subjects to search.

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot
 with no electricity and no phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but
 only after buying a cellular-modem and
 a laptop.

* You spend half of the plane trip with 
your laptop on your lap... and your
 child in the overhead compartment.

* All you daydreaming is preoccupied
 with getting a faster connection to the
 net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... 
T1... T3...

* And even your night dreams are in 
HTML.
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When asked, "What is a contingent
 fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent
 fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win
 your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, 
you get nothing."
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Every time, Peter, the man next door 
headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew
 he was coming to borrow something,
 he was always doing so and it was
 driving him nuts.

"Peter won't get away with it this time,"
 muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch
 this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your 
hedge trimmer this morning?" asked
 Paul the neighbour.

"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul
 with a smug look, "but the fact of the
 matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," smiled Peter, "you
 won't 
be using your golf clubs, mind if I
 borrow them?
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Why do hurricanes travel so fast? 
 
Because if they travelled slowly,
 we'd have to call them slow-i-
canes.

What is a tornado ? 
 
Mother nature doing the twist ! 
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Archie, a successful business man
 becomes fed up with all the stress of 
 big city life and decides to chuck it all.
 He takes his savings and buys a large 
ranch in the middle of the outback, just
 north of Barossa Valley in South
 Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying
 the quietness and solitude he hears
 the 
drumming of hoofs outside his home.
 Seizing his rifle he challenges the man
 riding up on the horse, "G’day 
neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I 
have a ranch only 20 miles from here, 
and I want to invite you to a Welcome
 Party I'm throwing for you next
 Saturday. There's going to be music,
 dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking,
 fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new
 rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How
 should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied
 the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be
 the two of us."
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If you had to identify, in one word, 
the reason why the human race
 has not achieved, & never will
 achieve, its full potential, that 
word would be "meetings".
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Miss Patricia decided to start her class
 with a new assignment, so she began
 writing furiously on the blackboard. 
The assignment being a big one, she
 had to stretch herself to write from the
 top of the board.

She heard a chuckle and instantly 
recognized the voice. She turned 
around and demanded, "What did you
 find so funny, Jerry?"
 
Jerry replied, "I just saw one of your
 garters."
 
Miss Patricia thundered, "Get out of my 
class this very moment and I don't
 want to see your face for a full week."

She turned back to writing on the
 blackboard. She had omitted to write
 the title of the chapter due to the
 distraction, so she stretched harder to
 scribble on the top of the board. A
 louder giggle echoed in the room and 
she quickly turned around to ask, "Will 
you share the joke with the class,
 Mike?"

Mike replied sheepishly, "I just saw
 both of your garters."

She shouted, "Get out of my class. And
 stay out for a month."

Embarrassed by the happenings, she
 dropped the marker and as she bent
 over to pick it up, Miss Patricia heard
 loud laughter. As she prepared herself
 for another round of firing, she noticed
 Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going,
 young man?" Miss Patricia boomed.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw,
 my 
school days are over."
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