Saturday, 23 August 2014

Men And Women Jokes ........... Marriage Secrets and World best wife affairs ..



Marriage Secrets (Don't Laugh)


My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...


Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.


We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Mumbai, mine is in Chennai.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.


My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."



My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...



She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"




 



Why wedding dresses are white


IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. 
  
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies: ' WHITE '. He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.

Then he tells the son:'Son, all household appliances come in white.' 



Men Are Hard To Please ( MUST READ GIRLS :-)




If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;

If u Don't , he says u are PROUD .


*******

If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;

If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .


*******

If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;

If u keep QUIET , he says u have no BRAINS .


*******

If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;

If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .


*******

If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)


*******

If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;

If u do !! he says u are CHEAP.


*******

If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME;

If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.


*******

If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;

If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.


*******

If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.


*******

If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl;

If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.


*******

If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ;

If he does WELL , it's BRAINS.


*******

If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;

If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!! 

*******



Sweeter Sides of Life


[1] Sweeter Sides of Life

Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot' n'Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."

[2] Better Dead than Alive

A bachelor Man asked his physician, "I Want to live healthy and longer."
The Doctor advised, "Good thought, Get married."
The man asked, "Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer."
The Doctor said, "No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought."

[3] An Alien Observation 

"A great handshake was observed in two humans of opposite sex at a wedding ring before a deadly bout of Lifetime." 

[4] Respect to a Dead Union

A husband reminded the wife, "Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I want to start the day with two minute's in silence." 

[5] Love Kills

Marry with Love or have someone arrange it for you and then love. What the hell is the difference? Ultimate is the same, "Suicide of Harakiri or Killing of Guillotine." 

[6] Strange Divinity

And God makes such a beautiful, lovely, pleasant, marvelous creature as woman for man, then suddenly he turns around and sticks him as wife.

[7] Senseless and Careless

A man before marriage stays awake happily whole night contemplating about the wordage of lover woman. 
Then after marriage he starts snoring faster then loving wife utters the first word. 

[8] Wise Saying

Your money gets transferred faster than lightning When you marry.

[9] For unmarried only

"Happy Independence Day."

[10] Grass is greener on other side

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. 
You order the best dish of your choice from the menu and yet damn you find your friend's dish more alluring.

[11] Decent Burial

A just recently divorced, hit hard, badly publicized, rich man received a telegram.
"Your Ex-wife dead. Advise preference burial or cremation? Funeral cost you pay."
The man quickly responded, "Burn the Body high flames and Bury the Ash deep grounds. I pay all the expenses."

[12] Wild Fiction

A just engaged man goes in the Library to search books on "The sex and my woman."
He asked the female librarian, "Ma' am, I want the book something like, "Master of my woman."
The librarian advised, "Our fiction and fantasy books are in the basement."

[13] Promise Keeper

Once a man told then his lover, "Marry me, I would even go to hell for you."
The girl trusted the promise and married him.
The Man kept his words, "He is going through the hell of his life for now his wife."

[14] Never drying tears

A woman brings you in this world with you crying and other one keeps you alive in this world with you crying.

[15] Law of Double Jeopardy

The Law does not permit a man to marry a second woman.
The Law cannot punish a man twice for the same offence!





He She what they say



He said...She said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your
late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.

He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.





Missing wife




A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:


Man:                      I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector:           What is her height
Man:                     I never noticed
Inspector:           Slim or healthy
Man:                     Not slim can be healthy
Inspector:           Colour of eyes
Man:                     Never noticed
Inspector:           Colour of hair
Man:                     Changes according to season
Inspector:           What was she wearing
Man:                     Saree/suit/ I don't remember exactly
Inspector:           Was somebody with her ?????????
Man:                     Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo,  tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the man started crying…..
Inspector:  Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!



 

Software engineer and his wife


Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer .




How To Become A Dad


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.


At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.


'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '

'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.




The loyal wife


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it."




How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A guy only needs to be:  

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a phsiotherapist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24.. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes  


 HOW TO MAKE A GUY HAPPY



1. One Small Smile   


Man Brain and Love

 John was waiting for his love....

"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"

"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"

"Scold her OK?", his brain adviced.

"OK I will try"

Sweet Sally comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"

"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain .... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"

John ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem"

She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"

"OMG!!!", thought John .....

"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"

Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.

Sally stared at John .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"

"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"

"No records found", said the brain ...

"Damn!!", thought John

"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.

John is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?". said the brain

"OK OK ...stop pushing me"

"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT T!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" , she shouted ... and started crying.

"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday"

"!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

John was dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.

"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"

"Better do it fast ..brainy"

The brain was working at 90% capacity ..... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to John.

He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggie's birthday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"

She looked up with utter surprise ...

"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"

She stood up angrily and left. John and his brain were left there clueless ....





Not very clean


A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.


That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.


About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."


The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"



happyest day for Husband
Husband: Darling, my sweet heart I will be enjoying this sunday

Wife: How

Husband: I bought three tickets for the movie

Wife: thats great, but we are two, why you bought three tickets ???

Husband: Darling one for you, one for your mother and one for your brother !!!!!!!!!!!!!!




World best wife affairs


The 1st Affair:


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.


The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."


"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair:


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.


He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"



The 3th Affair:



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."


"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."



The 4th Affair:


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."


"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"


The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"


The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."



The 5th Affair:


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."


"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"


"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."



you can marry any of those girls


A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. 
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, 
and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood. 

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'' 
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same. 

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all 
the girls that I love,dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'' 
His mother smiling said to him, 

''Don't worry my son, 
you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son 
=




who will win Women Vs Beer ?


Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it
becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following
is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India .... to
help you analyze which is better !
Here is the debate ....... (Women, pls kindly take it in the right sense)

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for
sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view .... )

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night
and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you
ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half
an hour after !
1 point for beer !

So the Score is .......... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !

And Finally

If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ........
know that a beer would never get angry ! So ..........
Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !



I was looking for the expiry date
Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

------------ --------- --------- -

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------ --------- --------- -

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- -----

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------ --------- ---------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap'

____________ _________ _________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' '

Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------ --------- --------- ------------ --------- ---------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------ --------- --------- -

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway



  A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
*********
Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.